On Monday when I jarred my toe, it hurt quite a lot. More so than when I broke my arm, and definitely more so than when I fell over onto some Lego last week. Because of this, I went to the doctors, who, after about a whole thirty seconds, told me it was probably broken and sent me to the hospital so I could get the bloody thing X-rayed.
At first I was happy. As it isn't open on weekends, this meant missing school, and after looking at my timetable and seeing that I miss Maths of which I probably haven't done the homework for ... all was good. I also missed Rugby which is in fact good fun, but typically it is on Fridays - the one day where I actually want it to rain. And because I want it to rain ... it never does. Seriously, if you looked at the previous weather for every Friday since the start of September all you'd see was sun. So, as well as having to put up with feeble attempts of people about an eighth of my size groping my testicles every few seconds, every time I moved I'd lose a bit more skin off my hip. And if my toe hurt too much and I had to sit out ... it'd probably start raining.
So, on Friday, which is in fact today, I had a meeting with some Connexions man who just interviewed me on my life, asked if I was being bullied and then gave me a card and said goodbye. I then jumped in my car and went to the hospital. While, of course, my mother listened to Magic FM.
When Chase Farm Hospital was designed, I don't think any one of the people doing it had any concept of the motor vehicle whatsoever. After driving around the multi - storey car park at about 0.00001 mph, my mother gave up, drove out the hospital and then conveniently found a parking space about fifty miles away from the hospital, which had a completely uphill route back to it. This was bearing in mind that my toe was about twice its normal size, and was a funny green colour.
I limped to the hospital entrance, and after being nearly mowed down by goddamn 500 different ambulances, we managed to get in to A and E. Because I was going to have an X-Ray, I happily walked straight past all the other suckers sitting there slowly contracting MRSA and waiting for the "trolley man" and sat down in the waiting room ready to lay on a bed and pose for an injection of radiation.
In hospitals, the waiting room is a peculiar place. Firstly, you seem to be the youngest person there by about 100 years. The only magazines there are covered with pictures of Brad Pitt, and everyone stares at me as though I'm the most interesting thing in the world ever (After fourty minutes in there, I probably was). And whoever designed the chairs in there ought to be shot aswell.
After about an hour and a half of feeling pain and reading the fire instructions, and watching old people eat crisps, we were given our forms, and then we were told to wait outside "Room One" after getting about ten thousand different militaristic directions along funny smelling corridors, full of people laying in beds and fat women running at you.
I was then stared at some more by a deaf person and a fat girl on crutches, and finally the door opened and I heard the fateful words;
"Mattu Bow-cha"
Obviously, the man X-Raying me had no concept of pain, because as soon I'd taken my shoe and sock off, he pulled my toe and put a blue thing around it to seperate it from the others. This was agony. Again, more so than breaking my arm or falling onto Lego.
This was okay however, as I was happily too busy dying under the foul stench of his breath to notice. So, he made me lay on the bed, and put me in positions that made me look like a porn star and then pressed a button, something buzzed, a red light came on and he told me to wait outside.
After more waiting, and being stared at by someone who resembled an Orc, he told me that it was in fact not broken and instead I had "bruised" it. Which both relieved and annoyed me at the same time. Apparently I have to go back in ten days time, if "the problem persits" of which it will. Oh, and my toenail's going to fall off apparently.
This, is why I shall make it my sworn duty to never ever hurt myself for as long as I live. Hospitals do fuck all.
Thankyou.
Oh, and;
Thats all of them - hopefully. If I haven't and you've taken offense, please go and fuck yourself.
Arien, you really have started something.
1 comment:
heh. the sick people want you babies mate. heheh. why the fuck am I third? I'm deserve either first or last. but y'know last with "last but not least..." etc.
Post a Comment