Oh, and you can't punish me for this because I haven't stepped out of line in your respect thing that you seem to think works. I write this looking happily at my untucked shirt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8DZHWWqzoQ (Sorry it's a link.)
01:39 - If you have to be fat, don't get in my motherfucking way and then move at about 0.000001 mph. I hope the plane food poisoned her and she died a slow, painful death.
Anyway, the seating in Ryanair, to put it bluntly ... is appalling. They have not yet realised that half of the pikeys that use their planes do not understand a grainy little picture of a man that looks like Brian Peppers on the seat in front, which is meant to show how to exit the plane in "the unlikely situation of a crash". To combat this, they hire two women, cover them in 3000 feet of make-up and then tell you how to operate a seat belt. Because, when you're plummeting out of the sky at 500 mph in the equivalent of a bomb, a seat belt would definitely save your life.
They also haven't grasped the concept that this is the 21st Century, where most people are above 3 feet tall and therefore die of discomfort when you have about 10 nanometres of leg room. They can't even position the fucking windows properly.
Though, at least they didn't rip me off on the food. Oh wait... £3.00 for a croissant. They didn't even rip me off with euros, I'd have been better with that because I don't have a fucking clue what the exchange rates are.
When we got to the airport in Italy, all was okay. The coach was great as there was only 19 of us, including the teachers and there was about 60 seats. However, then we got to where we were staying ... a lot changed.
I wish now that I had taken a photo of the door, however as I don't have one, I think that the black gate of Mordor would be a reasonable description.
At this point, I expected the door to be opened to about 1000 strong men. Was not the case.
I think as nuns don't get none (no pun intended) they must shrivel up to about the size of a baby and then adopt a creepy look, as some little midget dressed in black pushed open the door, said something in Italian, and then gave us the key to our rooms.
The rooms were okay, I mean, it had everything we wanted. If you closed your eyes and laid on the bed it felt like you were laying on the road, with the fan above you simulating the cold winter wind. We even had a shower that kindly simulated the conditions inside a furnace to us every time we used it.
And the lift was nice as well, every time you breathed in, it would fall by about three floors which was an experience in it's self.
What did we do after that...?
Oh yes, we ate food.
Because it was our first night in Rome, the nice people at the restaurant we went to decided to give us the traditional Italian dish of chicken and chips. That was about it, there isn't really much else to talk about the dinner. There was a lot of chewing and swallowing and we pissed off half the world.
After that we went to see the Colosseum in the dark. Apparently, it looks very pretty in the dark, but as far as I could see it just looked darker than it would in the day, but there you go...
My amazing photography skills also produced amazingly focused photos, such as this;
Judging by the lights at the bottom of the photo, the shutter speed must have been on about half a second, I didn't realise at the time but there you go. I don't have a clue what I'm on about either.Anyway, so we went to the Colosseum and then we went back to where we were staying. We were meant to go to our rooms and sleep at 11:00, and obviously we didn't. But, I think after about an hour everyone had given up trying to sneak out ... or so I thought, but I definitely had because I was asleep.
All I remember was waking up at about half five in the morning and seeing Kris staring right at me and then Kelsey walking in and speaking in a foreign language by saying such things as; "cushtie" and "butters". So basically, she stayed in there the rest of the night because she couldn't get out out of fear of getting caught and because she couldn't sleep. This was until five in the morning when Kelsey decided she wanted to get her mobile and at this very reasonable time in the morning thought it was okay to bound down the corridor at about the speed of sound, and it wouldn't matter because in Kelsey world, everyone is awake at five in the morning.
So yeah, she got her mobile and then Ms. Datta came in because of the noise and so Kelsey decided to hide in the most un-obvious place known to man where no-one ever would think of looking - under the bed.
She firstly asked Kris if there had been a girl in the room, he just stared at her, and I had to bite my tounge so I didn't die of laughter. It really looked so funny. Then she asked me, and I said "I 'unno" which translates to "Yes, she is below me, leave me alone. Please."
That was the first day.
It's amazingly impressive on the outside, and the same for the inside. There are a lot of these all over Rome, and those guys at the top are Jesus and the twelve apostles if you be interested. For some reason, probably my retardedness, I keep only counting eleven apostles, but there are in fact twelve ... honest. And yes, I would show you a picture from the inside, but all the pictures are awful, trust me.
That's the inside of it, stupid. It was immensely impressive looking, and even though I was the equivalent of a zombie you do end up going "BOWWOW..."Well, after we'd got out of there, we walked to a big memorial. Here it is;
As this point, there was probably a medical condition to describe how tired I was, as the photo above was only taken for the pure reason I would be a slurry mess on the floor if it hadn't distracted me. There was really annoying people on the stairs with whistles as well, preventing us from sitting down because it was disrespectful which was fair enough, but remember this was after walking up about 900,000 stairs. Which truly was torture.
In advance, if I die heroically in a war, or saving someones life or anything like that, you have full permission to do a shit on my grave as I'll be dead and wont care an any way whatsoever.
Meh anyway, after that...
... I completely forgot what we did.
We probably went into a big church or shopping or something. Oh wait, we did. In my uber amazing spectacular tiredness, combined with a McDonald's with a hair in it, and an annoying Indian bloke trying to sell me a laser pen combined as an electric shocker, I decided to buy an ice cream. This was the result;
Oh look. Mopeds. IN ROME!
Has the world gone completely insane?! Haha.
And I forgot if we visited a Church on that day aswell, not like, that I would have noticed or anything. They are so extremely impressive though. Basically, the rest of the day consisted of me getting a makeover and going back to the same restaurant and ruining more peoples lives.
At this point you're probably thinking, "Oh look, Becca and Kristen gave Matthew a makeover what a fucking surprise." Not so.
This was the work of the multi-talented makeup artist known as Arien. I came out looking like this;
I'm too smexy for my shirt and I've just realised how long my nose is.
The funny thing is, is that is the best any one's ever done at curling my hair ever. And he even did my nails and mascara, which didn't hurt at all...
Oh, and I think Andrew did my guy liner, which looked like someone had throw a stencil at my eyes, it was very pretty. Honest...
And that was day two.
Saturday 25th October - Day Three
Woke up. Ate wood and napalm with the addition of recently purchased pie and Oreos . Chased off by nuns. Got the bus for about an hour. Arrived at the Catacombs.
A bit of background information stolen from Wikipedia;
The Catacombs of Rome are ancient catacombs, or underground burial places under or near Rome, Italy, of which there are at least forty, some discovered only in recent decades. Though most famous for Christian burials, they include pagan and Jewish burials, either in separate catacombs or mixed together. They began in the 2nd century, as much as a response to overcrowding and shortage of land as they were to satisfy the need for persecuted Christians to bury their dead secretly. The soft volcanic tufo rock under Rome is highly suitable for tunnelling, as it is softer when first exposed to air, hardening afterwards. Many have kilometres of tunnels, in up to four stories (or layers).
I'm quite pleased that Wikipedia actually supplied information written in English, and not some poncy cross between Latin and Spanish. So they were the Catacombs, and we went in them.
was more awake at this point and was fully capable of taking photos, however, because when God created the universe he decided to make Physics so fucking complicated, I wasn't allowed because the light was seen as "damaging". From what I remember, Kelsey got claustrophobic and spent the whole time holding Ms. Datta's hand. And most of the people there only found their way around the frigging place by listening to the sound of me going "OW" every time I banged my head on the stupidly low ceiling. And that was the Catacombs. After that we went back to the centre of Rome on the most uncomfortable bus imaginable and went shopping. Again. This time we didn't go to McDonald's and instead a restaurant, where I had to ask the waiter seven times for a hot chocolate (I counted). Oh, and then we saw a plain AMAZING fountain;
Sorry, you cant see the fountain at the bottom. But believe me, the whole thing is seriously cool. Then, we did some more shopping, and Nicola and I bought a couple of "shower gel knobs". Which I found the next day had ejaculated onto my bed (I had to sleep in that Arien and Andrew, thank you very much.) I'm still laughing at the way it said; "Only for external use". I don't even know what stupid bellend who thought that would even be able to get a job which would allow them to buy it in the first place. Oh, and we went into a big church as well, we did everyday I think. I can't be bothered to upload the picture of it. 
Kris then texted AQA asking; "We have two gummy worms on a ceiling about three metres high, ever tried everything, and one is above a big fan. It's also about two in the morning and we can't wake anyone up, we've got no equipment to hand apart from a toothpaste tube and a couple of chairs. How do we get them down?" Naturally, they didn't reply. Kris also called his friend, who was drunk by the sounds of it, which was a load of help...
Later, this evolved into throwing my undergarments at the ceiling, which had a fan on it, and my shirt got stuck up there. Great.
Anyway, we managed to get the shirt, and gummy worms the next morning ... two hours later. Which, I happily add, was the only time I ACTUALLY tried to do anything.
That was day three.
Sunday 26th October - Day Four
As I am a complete tit, I completely forgot EVERYTHING we did during the trip and had to look to my "Roma 2008!" booklet to remind me. Indubitably, my mother decided to clean my room, and because it wasn't nailed to the desk and guarded by a bear that was on fire, she took it and put it in the recycling bin. The fucking lorry just came and took it.
So, to the people if this that went to Rome, I'm sorry if anything is inaccurate. Which it will be.
Oh, and I’ve decided to do this on word and then copy paste it in. The thing Blogspot lets you write on is a load of bullshit and keeps making me leave huge gaps between paragraphs for no apparent reason.
Anyway, according to my memory, we went to the Vatican. This is a separate country from Italy, just to clarify. It’s where the Pope lives and about 1000 Italian twats come on their mopeds and stand outside it every day so they can go in and not sit down for about 8 hours because they weren’t clever enough to provide benches.
Make that 10,000 Italian twats (literally) because it was probably the longest queue of my life to date, there was also a mad woman with a rag on a stick telling us off for “pushing in”. To make matters worse… because we were in Italy, it was also about a million degrees in the shade.
Anyway, 3 hours later of standing with a load of sweaty people, and getting heckled by a woman with a stick we finally got in, were treated like animals at the customs by being made to strip and so on … and then up about 900 gazillion steps to a garden with a bench. I’ve never had sex, but I can assure you in any case, sitting on that bench at the time felt much, much better.
Well, going back to the customs quickly, I have yet to know why we were searched so thoroughly for explosives. Because, to be honest, I don’t think many people would be upset if something THAT boring were to be blown up. Well apart from the Sistine chapel, that was cool, but (and not sounding stubborn)
There was no batterys that worked in my camera on this day so there wasn’t really any pictures of the Vatican taken by me. And when I finally got some, every time I moved all I heard was “no flash allowed” which was really helpful considering all the fucking rooms were pitch black.
Here’s about the only decent one;
I don't remember where that photo was taken, but it was probably in the egytian gallery as that was about the only place of interest we went into. Oh, for fucks sake, I hate this stupid blogger. After that we went out of the vatican and into a big square. Well, more of a circle but everyone called it a square at the time so there you go. Here's a cool picture of it; I really fuckin' hate this. Actually, I cant be bothered to upload a photo of it, as everytime I do, it takes me about ten years to move it to the place it should be, and sperates all my paragrahs for no apparent reason. This stupidity is why I write these on word. For example, highlight everything below that picture above. Yeah? See it? That's what I resorted to. Meh, that was day four.
Monday 27th October - Day Five
Keeping it short - We went shopping, back on the shitty Ryanair, and then got home to find out that England was colder than it should be and had been invaded by twats.
Thankyou for reading. That was my longest blog, and took me ages, you've just wasted about a day of your life reading it, and then thinking about it after. But to be honest, its better than wasting ten seconds of it reading a pathetically short one written in block capitals that no-one gets, reliterating the same three words.
Fucks sake, my internet went when I was writing this. Note to self: Save these.
