Bird Sex and Weddings

I couldn't be bothered to introduce this so I'll get to the point;
How do birds have sex? Basically.
I mean they don't exactly do it doggy style. Or in Karma Sutra we'd all call it bird style. Imagine that;
"Fly like a bird... f*** like an Eagle"
Anyway, I took the time to research this and good old Yahoo answers came and helped me. Apparently in the breeding season the Males testes grow bigger by 100 times. Suddenly, I now really want to be a bird... even though I'd be doing a Tigger but with my testicles.
It'd also probably finally get my body in proportion... Joking.
And well it goes onto say;
But how does the sperm from the male bird get into the female? How can they have intercourse without any external male organs, such as a penis? The male's sperm, produced in the testes, passes to the cloaca where it is stored until copulation (act of sex). The female also has a cloaca that leads from the ovaries. The female bird unfans her tail, moves it to one side while the male climbs up onto her back or gets close to her. Their cloacas are pressed together and the sperm moves from the male to the female. This act is called a cloacal kiss...
I didn't get a f******* word of that. If we were clever enough to understand that... we'd already know the bloody answer by now and wouldn't need to f****** ask Mr. "I out-clever you all" for his stupid answer. Like we understand that.
Stupid motherfucker.
Oh look, I didn't sensor a swear word. I don't even know why I do that, I guess it makes it more authentic looking.
Pah! Authentic looking my bottom. Most teenagers have yet to discover vowels, I could s*** in a bucket and it'd look authentic to them.
I might do that actually, it'd be funny to watch them try and smoke it. Probably the healthiest thing that's gone in their mouths for a while...
Anyway, I'll get to my next point.
Why on Earth do people think the wedding day is the best day of your lives?
Okay, so the sex at the end of the day is all good... but you're going to do that every day for the next 40 years, until you're wife starts to look scarily like you... or your husbands hips will break if he thrusts.
But come on think about it;
You pay £2000 just so your wife has a dress. Oh, p*** off.
I could go down to Homebase and get a net curtain, cut a few holes in it for the head and arms, put it on her... twenty quid. It'd look the same.
And then what else...? Oh you've got to find a Church if you're a "Christian" and then get a fake priest who can't even spell "God" to marry both of you! F****** great.
I swear too much in these.
Anyway, after you've found Mr. "Priest" you've got to invite people. The wife would do this I reckon, from what I can tell the groom just turns up on the day;
"Dear, the Smith family, we really don't like you in any way, shape or form, you are complete wankers and we hate Mr. Smith because he is my husband to be's boss and got promoted before him.
Putting that all aside we would like to (yeah right) invite you to our wedding. It is on a really arkward date, and it is almost guranteed to rain.
The church is also the HARDEST place on the globe to find, so don't even bother trying to put it on the sat nav because it'll just take you to a field in the middle of no-where.
RSPV - 07453534098. We are trying to be formal, and the best way to show that is by writing in French.
Thankyou, we hope to see you there. in the cemetry outside"
What else...?
Oh yeah, the car to get you there.
For some reason a Rolls Royce from about 50 years ago is compulsery. It's guaranteed to make you s*** it at one point of the journey because you think it's going to break down and the whole day will be ruined. Which in my opinion it already is because you've just spent about £15,000 on one day.
Oh, and the reception. S*** meal. S*** speech. Long s*** after.
The chances are if you're invited to the wedding you don't even know the bride or groom properly. So you just sit there listening to a hell of alot of "in" jokes that you don't get.
Then there's the dance floor. EVERY boy between the ages of 5 and 15 now gets the urge that they only get at this one point in their entire lives. I am talking about the knee slide. I've done it and then indubitably I was shouted at after by my mother because they were my school trousers.
Oh and the inevetable "daddy dance".
The men sit there for hours on end looking completly bored. And then you hear;
"Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground..."
All hell breaks loose. Men from all around the room are staring at the same point of the dance floor. The toilet doors fly open, men from everywhere pour out like Mr. Smith on The Matrix, all heading for the same point of the room.
Cowboy hats are coming out of nowhere!
Homosexuals are hiding away in the corners out of embarrasment!
It truly is hell for anyone watching. Utter embarrasment for the people on the dance floor.
And then you go home and go to bed. (I can't be bothered to write any more)
I will leave you with a picture of a "chav wedding";




Makes you want to spit doesn't it?
It's like The Teletubbies gone wrong.
Oh and here's also a link that I found funny;
http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/crackbook/
Thankyou for reading, you've been a wonderful... reader.
Ta'ra.