I, Matthew Stephen Boucher officially declare someone likes reading these.
Yes, they do. I won't mention their name, because it's probably illegal to do so, in the same way it is now illegal to photograph an empty paddling pool because you will be deemed a paedophile. Yes, two little old ladies actually were.
Though to be honest, I have NO idea why you would want to photograph such a thing, it's actually probably correct to lock them up. The wierd hags.
It's also perfectly legal to urinate into a policemans hat if you are pregnant, which makes the concept of being a female slut suddenly very advertising.
While I'm on the subject of Paedophilia, why does goddamn everyone seem to have wierd fetishes all of a sudden?
If you felt so inclined, apparently you can look for feet porn on the internet...
I am not joking.
I would find that erousing in the same way that my grandmother giving me a pole dance would turn me on. Eesh... the thought.
Another stupid one is fat fetishes. Noone actually finds it attractive, but you have to if you're homosexual or a man called Mika you have to love them apparently.
More to love... my bottom. Go and shag a horse then, they're bigger than people.
31/08/2008
30/08/2008
So happy holidays,eh?
For the last week I've been sitting in Devon on what apparently is a "holiday", and I can tell you I am exeedingly pleased to be sitting back in my house, about 4 hours away from any hint of tourism, and finally looking at something from the 21st century.
I have come to the conclusion that holidays are a waste of time and we should all stay at home. No really... come on, think about it.
Florida. Apparently one of the best holiday destinations in the world.
Okay, so you trudge into the airport because some idiot decided to build the terminal about four hundred miles from the car park (after being stuck in traffic for about 3 hours), and spend another hour queing behind some people on a SAGA holiday that filled in their forms incorrectly. Once you've done that, you go through customs.
For some reason they've decided that we're all going to try and blow up the plane with a bottle of unopened Evian or some baby milk. So they decide to throw it all away.
So once they've robbed you, they decide to humiliate you further by making you take off your shoes incase -in some way- you managed to invent a high powered bomb that can fit in your shoe, with your foot already inside it. And I can tell you, sitting on the floor of an airport, surrounded by hundreds of people and trying to take off converses is not that fun.
So once you've seen a really cool x-ray of your shoe you put it back on and then it's time for the metal detector.
For some reason I always manage to get beeped and then felt by some obviously perverted man incase I've managed to conseal a bomb under my armpit or something. Come on, how are you going to put a reasonable sized bomb under your shirt without having an obvious square sticking out of you? Exactly.
So once you've done that they x-ray your bag, and you realise that everyone puts the dumbest things in theirs, and everything looks like a bomb anyway. So you do all that, and pass the even more perverted men with latex gloves... just incase you decided to store weed up your penis.
And so you enter the shopping bit. And the people that built the airports suddenly think that we're all very interested in perfume and jewlerry...
Naturally, you run to the book shop so you can think of a book to read on the nine hour flight ahead of you, and end up coming out with something terribly awful that you're guaranteed to hate.
You then go to the departure lounge and show the tickets that you sold you left leg to buy... to a woman with too much lipstick. And so you walk onto the plane, after walking past about 100,000 HSBC adverts and smiling at the flight addendants that frankly could pass as clowns.
So you sit down and read the safety manual and consequently panic because you cant find the life jacket below your seat, and realise that if this thing crashes, you are going to die.
You then have to turn your iPod or MP3 off incase it makes the plane explode somehow, and watch the flight attendants do a funny dance that's noone pays attention to anyway because everyone already can see the obvious doors.
You then take off and spend the next half an hour crying because your ears have blown up to 900 times their normal size. You then cry some more when you realise the person sitting next to you wants to talk to you, and then cry even more when you realise they're American and they have brought along a small child that needs the toilet every three seconds.
So after watching the end to Kill Bill for the 23rd time you land at the airport and again, you are searched...just to make sure that when you were in England they didn't miss your arse crack.
You then walk outside and realise that your internal organs have all been hit with an invisible cricket bat and then doused in petrol and set on fire. You then spend the next 5 hours trying to find your hire car, and another 25 hours stalling it because the gearbox is different.
The next two weeks you stand in long lines, stare at fat people, and get drowned because other tourists in union jack boxer shorts can't wait until they're allowed to go down the slides. But it's okay because you can look foward to the long journey home...
And Devon's worse, they're all old and inbred, and haven't grasped the concept of electricity yet.
That's why when I come to power...
...I shall implode Florida.
I have come to the conclusion that holidays are a waste of time and we should all stay at home. No really... come on, think about it.
Florida. Apparently one of the best holiday destinations in the world.
Okay, so you trudge into the airport because some idiot decided to build the terminal about four hundred miles from the car park (after being stuck in traffic for about 3 hours), and spend another hour queing behind some people on a SAGA holiday that filled in their forms incorrectly. Once you've done that, you go through customs.
For some reason they've decided that we're all going to try and blow up the plane with a bottle of unopened Evian or some baby milk. So they decide to throw it all away.
So once they've robbed you, they decide to humiliate you further by making you take off your shoes incase -in some way- you managed to invent a high powered bomb that can fit in your shoe, with your foot already inside it. And I can tell you, sitting on the floor of an airport, surrounded by hundreds of people and trying to take off converses is not that fun.
So once you've seen a really cool x-ray of your shoe you put it back on and then it's time for the metal detector.
For some reason I always manage to get beeped and then felt by some obviously perverted man incase I've managed to conseal a bomb under my armpit or something. Come on, how are you going to put a reasonable sized bomb under your shirt without having an obvious square sticking out of you? Exactly.
So once you've done that they x-ray your bag, and you realise that everyone puts the dumbest things in theirs, and everything looks like a bomb anyway. So you do all that, and pass the even more perverted men with latex gloves... just incase you decided to store weed up your penis.
And so you enter the shopping bit. And the people that built the airports suddenly think that we're all very interested in perfume and jewlerry...
Naturally, you run to the book shop so you can think of a book to read on the nine hour flight ahead of you, and end up coming out with something terribly awful that you're guaranteed to hate.
You then go to the departure lounge and show the tickets that you sold you left leg to buy... to a woman with too much lipstick. And so you walk onto the plane, after walking past about 100,000 HSBC adverts and smiling at the flight addendants that frankly could pass as clowns.
So you sit down and read the safety manual and consequently panic because you cant find the life jacket below your seat, and realise that if this thing crashes, you are going to die.
You then have to turn your iPod or MP3 off incase it makes the plane explode somehow, and watch the flight attendants do a funny dance that's noone pays attention to anyway because everyone already can see the obvious doors.
You then take off and spend the next half an hour crying because your ears have blown up to 900 times their normal size. You then cry some more when you realise the person sitting next to you wants to talk to you, and then cry even more when you realise they're American and they have brought along a small child that needs the toilet every three seconds.
So after watching the end to Kill Bill for the 23rd time you land at the airport and again, you are searched...just to make sure that when you were in England they didn't miss your arse crack.
You then walk outside and realise that your internal organs have all been hit with an invisible cricket bat and then doused in petrol and set on fire. You then spend the next 5 hours trying to find your hire car, and another 25 hours stalling it because the gearbox is different.
The next two weeks you stand in long lines, stare at fat people, and get drowned because other tourists in union jack boxer shorts can't wait until they're allowed to go down the slides. But it's okay because you can look foward to the long journey home...
And Devon's worse, they're all old and inbred, and haven't grasped the concept of electricity yet.
That's why when I come to power...
...I shall implode Florida.
19/08/2008
Hairdressers
I was about to start this blog saying that I wasn't talking to anyone on MSN, that I was completely and utterly bored and that I want to kill people.
Well the truth is I am now talking to people, and I am not completely and utterly bored, as I am infact multi-tasking and playing on the Xbox aswell as doing this. So invarably this will take about 5 hours, because I'll forget about this and spend my time shooting aliens instead.
I decided to go and finally get my hair cut yesterday, and was quite annoyed when I walked out looking like more of a berk than when I walked in. It was even more annoying that the person cutting my hair was one of those people that turns around every three seconds to watch the Olympics, so it took me about 40 minutes until I actually got out of there.
I hate hairdressers with a passion, a fiery one. I hate the people cutting my hair. I hate the other people reading Heat magazine. And I hate having to describe how I want my hair.
When I was in there yesterday, I got asked possibly the dumbest question in the world;
"Do you want tea or coffee?"
At first this seems like a reasonable question. This is until you consider the fact that you are in the middle of a haircut, and you are not allowed to turn your head in anyway, therefore making it impossible to drink anything.
I just thought I'd say all that.
Bye.
Well the truth is I am now talking to people, and I am not completely and utterly bored, as I am infact multi-tasking and playing on the Xbox aswell as doing this. So invarably this will take about 5 hours, because I'll forget about this and spend my time shooting aliens instead.
I decided to go and finally get my hair cut yesterday, and was quite annoyed when I walked out looking like more of a berk than when I walked in. It was even more annoying that the person cutting my hair was one of those people that turns around every three seconds to watch the Olympics, so it took me about 40 minutes until I actually got out of there.
I hate hairdressers with a passion, a fiery one. I hate the people cutting my hair. I hate the other people reading Heat magazine. And I hate having to describe how I want my hair.
When I was in there yesterday, I got asked possibly the dumbest question in the world;
"Do you want tea or coffee?"
At first this seems like a reasonable question. This is until you consider the fact that you are in the middle of a haircut, and you are not allowed to turn your head in anyway, therefore making it impossible to drink anything.
I just thought I'd say all that.
Bye.
13/08/2008
I was very bored today
I was sitting at the computer earlier, and was trying to think of the third verse to a song I decided to write for no reason apart from the fact that I was told to. At the time it seemed like it had taken me five minutes, everything was fine, and that I could get on with my geography coursework finally. But no, three hours had been spent thinking up eight lines about hope and hate and what have you.
I was also waiting for it to rain, so I could have an excuse to not go on the trampoline with my brother. It was meant to rain non stop all day. But indubitably it didn't, it rained for about five minutes and then stopped. This was because the nice man from the BBC had told me that it was going to rain.
Basically from the BBC, if they say it's going to snow, there's going to be an earthquake, and if they say there's going to be an earthquake, it means we're all going to die.
So yes, I went on the trampoline, got off and spent the rest of the day doing a quiz and shooting tramps on Grand Theft Auto IV. The thing about GTA, is that it's infact stupidly addictive when you're on it. But not when you're off. Another thing, and I don't know how, all the previous GTA games were much, much better.
And honestly, I'm not sure why. On the new one the graphics are better, so is the map, there's a better choice of clothing and there's a strip club.
Right now I should be standing in my back garden burning all the old ones for wasting my life. But I'm not. I reckon it's the music that makes it better... or the cover.
Anyway, I think that I may be going out tommorrow. I just looked at the BBC weather forecast, and it says that it's going to be rainy and cloudy. So I'll be going out equipped with a fan and suncream...
It'll be good to get out of the house, I could do something silly that I regret. Like collect stamps, or take an interest in Jeremy Kyle. I hate that program more than I hate anything in the world. Even men in cycling shorts. Though, it is infact hilarious to point at their nakedness.
I've got to go to bed now, this is because my parents think that I am still about 5, and get tired before them. This is probably true regarding my mental age.
So yes.
Thankyou for reading, you only probably read this because I told you to click on the adverts and you thought you'd have a read while you're at it.
Thanks for reading.
I was also waiting for it to rain, so I could have an excuse to not go on the trampoline with my brother. It was meant to rain non stop all day. But indubitably it didn't, it rained for about five minutes and then stopped. This was because the nice man from the BBC had told me that it was going to rain.
Basically from the BBC, if they say it's going to snow, there's going to be an earthquake, and if they say there's going to be an earthquake, it means we're all going to die.
So yes, I went on the trampoline, got off and spent the rest of the day doing a quiz and shooting tramps on Grand Theft Auto IV. The thing about GTA, is that it's infact stupidly addictive when you're on it. But not when you're off. Another thing, and I don't know how, all the previous GTA games were much, much better.
And honestly, I'm not sure why. On the new one the graphics are better, so is the map, there's a better choice of clothing and there's a strip club.
Right now I should be standing in my back garden burning all the old ones for wasting my life. But I'm not. I reckon it's the music that makes it better... or the cover.
Anyway, I think that I may be going out tommorrow. I just looked at the BBC weather forecast, and it says that it's going to be rainy and cloudy. So I'll be going out equipped with a fan and suncream...
It'll be good to get out of the house, I could do something silly that I regret. Like collect stamps, or take an interest in Jeremy Kyle. I hate that program more than I hate anything in the world. Even men in cycling shorts. Though, it is infact hilarious to point at their nakedness.
I've got to go to bed now, this is because my parents think that I am still about 5, and get tired before them. This is probably true regarding my mental age.
So yes.
Thankyou for reading, you only probably read this because I told you to click on the adverts and you thought you'd have a read while you're at it.
Thanks for reading.
12/08/2008
Loool.
When people write that, it annoys me exeedingly, and when I come to power anyone who says that or "lmaooo" on an instant messenger will be very quickly shot.
"Laugh out out out loud"...Eat my shit, it doesn't make sense.
And I was talking to someone today on it who actually had the cheek to say, "I'm sad lool". This was the same person... that only a few weeks ago called me an emo for the pure fact that my hair is past my ears. So Chavvy McChavchav, you like to laugh at your sadness then? Eat my piles.
You know what else annoys me? The word "boi" or "todai". It's just code for "I cannot write properly". And for the sort of one finger typists that write those sort of words will realise that the "y" key is actually closer to the "a" key, therefore making it easier to write.
But by far the most annoying thing is when this happens;
"Hey"
"helloo x"
"How are you?"
"im gd u x"
"I'm okay."
"niceee x"
If you're walking down the street, and you look at people, like me you will never see two individuals kissing after every sentence. That would be plain inconvinient.
Well there are exeptions...such as the type of women that sit in their paddling pools and cutting their toenails all day, while talking to their girlfriend on their mobile.
So yes, in conclusion...
...there isn't one really.
I think we should accept that these were only written when I'm either really bored. Or very annoyed.
Oh yeah, and Boris Johnson sucks bollocks.
Thanks.
"Laugh out out out loud"...Eat my shit, it doesn't make sense.
And I was talking to someone today on it who actually had the cheek to say, "I'm sad lool". This was the same person... that only a few weeks ago called me an emo for the pure fact that my hair is past my ears. So Chavvy McChavchav, you like to laugh at your sadness then? Eat my piles.
You know what else annoys me? The word "boi" or "todai". It's just code for "I cannot write properly". And for the sort of one finger typists that write those sort of words will realise that the "y" key is actually closer to the "a" key, therefore making it easier to write.
But by far the most annoying thing is when this happens;
"Hey"
"helloo x"
"How are you?"
"im gd u x"
"I'm okay."
"niceee x"
If you're walking down the street, and you look at people, like me you will never see two individuals kissing after every sentence. That would be plain inconvinient.
Well there are exeptions...such as the type of women that sit in their paddling pools and cutting their toenails all day, while talking to their girlfriend on their mobile.
So yes, in conclusion...
...there isn't one really.
I think we should accept that these were only written when I'm either really bored. Or very annoyed.
Oh yeah, and Boris Johnson sucks bollocks.
Thanks.
09/08/2008
Bored...with a capital "B",
When you're me, you know when you feel at the brink of going mentally insane. It's about the same time you start to study the hubcaps on the car outside your window, or when The Penguin Dictionary of English Idioms looks suddenly very advertising.
In a way I must be feeling the same way as the guy who invented the watering can. Or the person who thought up The Teletubbies. I mean, you don't just wake up and go "I know what! I'll invent a storage facility that releases water at a steady rate onto garden plants... so that they can be nourished!"
Nor do you think; "I know what! I'll get rich off putting an ex-rapist inside an oversised teddybear and painting him purple!"
No, I reckon that both of these blokes were doing what I'm doing right now.
Nothing.
I mean, they must have had a hell of a long time to think if thats what came out of their heads. It even happens to me... right now I'm contemplating inventing something to help you excrement more easily when you've eaten something you shouldn't have.
Wank. They've already made that. They call it the plunger.
It's funny in the sense that this has no point whatsoever.
But it did kill a good quarter of an hour.
Go and bum Tinky Winky.
Goodbye.
In a way I must be feeling the same way as the guy who invented the watering can. Or the person who thought up The Teletubbies. I mean, you don't just wake up and go "I know what! I'll invent a storage facility that releases water at a steady rate onto garden plants... so that they can be nourished!"
Nor do you think; "I know what! I'll get rich off putting an ex-rapist inside an oversised teddybear and painting him purple!"
No, I reckon that both of these blokes were doing what I'm doing right now.
Nothing.
I mean, they must have had a hell of a long time to think if thats what came out of their heads. It even happens to me... right now I'm contemplating inventing something to help you excrement more easily when you've eaten something you shouldn't have.
Wank. They've already made that. They call it the plunger.
It's funny in the sense that this has no point whatsoever.
But it did kill a good quarter of an hour.
Go and bum Tinky Winky.
Goodbye.
08/08/2008
"So Sally can wait"
I love that song, it's by Oasis. It's not actually the name of the song, it's the lyrics. The actual name is Don't Look Back in Anger. But most of you already know that.
Bah. I'm trying to choose between Windows Media Player and iTunes. Windows Media Player has pretty videos on it but iTunes is easier to use. I'll probably end up using Realplayer but there you go.
I don't know why I sat down and decided to write this if I'm honest, I'm talking to two people on msn, well technically three, and the most interesting thing that has happened today is when I ate my breakfast and watched something annoying on the childrens channels.
Anyway, I'm really bored so I'm going to finish.
I'll probably be sitting here in another 5 hours, but there you go.
Cheers,
Matthew.
Bah. I'm trying to choose between Windows Media Player and iTunes. Windows Media Player has pretty videos on it but iTunes is easier to use. I'll probably end up using Realplayer but there you go.
I don't know why I sat down and decided to write this if I'm honest, I'm talking to two people on msn, well technically three, and the most interesting thing that has happened today is when I ate my breakfast and watched something annoying on the childrens channels.
Anyway, I'm really bored so I'm going to finish.
I'll probably be sitting here in another 5 hours, but there you go.
Cheers,
Matthew.
07/08/2008
Oh to the hell with that,
I enjoy writing this shizz. So I'll carry on doing all of this.
I might even advertise this bullcrap on myspace so you people can go and gawp at it for the next decade while I think more of this up.
So yeah, I spent most of this day trying to get a good photo of me, but I seriously look terrible in all of them so the ones of me on the computer already will have to do. I've got to get off here soon which sucks balls, I've only just got on and I'm talking to people. And don't want to sit there on my overpriced Xbox 360 elite changing the batteries in the controllers every three seconds so I can go and talk on their crap version of msn about coming back on the computer because its so crap talking on the Xbox. And if you just got that, you're a genious.
Xbox annoys me like hell actually. Mines broken nearly goddamn 400 times in the last five minutes and I'm awfully bad at playing it if I'm bluntly honest with you. And it has the loudest fan in the history of the world in the middle of it, which annoys the hell out of me. Microsoft deserves to die, and be replaced by someone like Apple. Beause their products are REALLY relaible, especially their iPods...
Yeah, I've decided after literally SECONDS of consideration to make a diary out of this blogging stuff. It's quite cool.
Matthew.
I might even advertise this bullcrap on myspace so you people can go and gawp at it for the next decade while I think more of this up.
So yeah, I spent most of this day trying to get a good photo of me, but I seriously look terrible in all of them so the ones of me on the computer already will have to do. I've got to get off here soon which sucks balls, I've only just got on and I'm talking to people. And don't want to sit there on my overpriced Xbox 360 elite changing the batteries in the controllers every three seconds so I can go and talk on their crap version of msn about coming back on the computer because its so crap talking on the Xbox. And if you just got that, you're a genious.
Xbox annoys me like hell actually. Mines broken nearly goddamn 400 times in the last five minutes and I'm awfully bad at playing it if I'm bluntly honest with you. And it has the loudest fan in the history of the world in the middle of it, which annoys the hell out of me. Microsoft deserves to die, and be replaced by someone like Apple. Beause their products are REALLY relaible, especially their iPods...
Yeah, I've decided after literally SECONDS of consideration to make a diary out of this blogging stuff. It's quite cool.
Matthew.
Somehow, in someway...
Arien has adverts on his blog thing and I don't.
So basically, I just did a real long blog for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Utter fuckballs.
If, in someway... you just stumble on this...
My myspace is - ...actually what is my myspace?
I'm going to have to check, its been a while.
www.myspace.com/matthewbouch <<< Do it.
I probably won't do another one of these, so yes...
Goodbye,
Matthew.
So basically, I just did a real long blog for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Utter fuckballs.
If, in someway... you just stumble on this...
My myspace is - ...actually what is my myspace?
I'm going to have to check, its been a while.
www.myspace.com/matthewbouch <<< Do it.
I probably won't do another one of these, so yes...
Goodbye,
Matthew.
Ahem!
Arien did this. Why can't I?
I'm only doing this because I might be rich if enough of you click on the adverts below. I might not, but $100 sounds quite nice if you ask me. And Ariens made a whole pound so far. So yes, click away foolzzz...
I could just end this here and rake in the cash. But that would be lazy and stupid of me. So here goes...
I was sitting on the Xbox about 10 minutes ago with my friend, Ben. You don't know him I assure you. Anyway that doesn't matter because he went home and my brother came in and kicked me off. I'm alot taller and scarier than him, but he had a friend, and his friend was one of those little annoying people who grasses you up for everything, so I let them on out of fear of having to take my iPod out in the middle of that amazing introduction to Bittersweet Symphony. I find it interesting the way my brother says "you can choose what game we play" to his friend, and then every game that he doesn't like is apparently "broken"or "one player". Thats a seven year old for you.
His friend's also one of those people that seems to be interested in nearly goddam everything that you own. Especially my pet rats, whom now don't like me because I woke them up during their sleep... so an over keen seven year old could point and go "aww".
So yes, now I've got a bloody annoying rat bite on the tip of my finger which kills, and there's an annoying kid behind me trying to read what I'm writing.
Penis sucking necrophiliac.
Read that out loud motherfucker.
Anyway, I'm off to eat weetabix and write an essay to a leaf...or a card...
Don't worry.
Goodbye.
(This bit was written in October when my blogs are good)
Sorry that these first few are shit. I was a twat back then.
I'm only doing this because I might be rich if enough of you click on the adverts below. I might not, but $100 sounds quite nice if you ask me. And Ariens made a whole pound so far. So yes, click away foolzzz...
I could just end this here and rake in the cash. But that would be lazy and stupid of me. So here goes...
I was sitting on the Xbox about 10 minutes ago with my friend, Ben. You don't know him I assure you. Anyway that doesn't matter because he went home and my brother came in and kicked me off. I'm alot taller and scarier than him, but he had a friend, and his friend was one of those little annoying people who grasses you up for everything, so I let them on out of fear of having to take my iPod out in the middle of that amazing introduction to Bittersweet Symphony. I find it interesting the way my brother says "you can choose what game we play" to his friend, and then every game that he doesn't like is apparently "broken"or "one player". Thats a seven year old for you.
His friend's also one of those people that seems to be interested in nearly goddam everything that you own. Especially my pet rats, whom now don't like me because I woke them up during their sleep... so an over keen seven year old could point and go "aww".
So yes, now I've got a bloody annoying rat bite on the tip of my finger which kills, and there's an annoying kid behind me trying to read what I'm writing.
Penis sucking necrophiliac.
Read that out loud motherfucker.
Anyway, I'm off to eat weetabix and write an essay to a leaf...or a card...
Don't worry.
Goodbye.
(This bit was written in October when my blogs are good)
Sorry that these first few are shit. I was a twat back then.
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