Jesi.

I've decided that I'm going to create a new email address, get an AdSense, and then sit back and watch the cash literally not roll in. Ever.
It's worth a try though.
If you're interested I have a bite on my second little toe. I would look for the proper name for my second little toe and out smug you all again. But I asked Jeeves and he came up with a load of bulls**t about horoscopes and bones, so that's that.
Anyway, I have a debate. Oh yes.
It started when I was discussing it with a couple of friends;
Is the plural of Jesus... Jesi?
Like Octopus and Octopi?
I don't mean that in a blasphemous way, hell no, that'd be politically incorrect of me and probably result in being sent to prison for some reason.
I mean, say you're behind the scenes on a nativity play;
"There are the Josephs on your left, over there are the wise men and over there are the... Jesi"
I reckon it works to be honest.
Oh, and on the subject of religion, if you get enough people putting their religion as the same name in the National Survey... it officially becomes one.
Yes it does. Jedi, is a religion now... apparently.
That's an amazing way to cheat in the R.S. exam.
"Choose one other religion, other than Christianity..."
Jedi!
Imagine the look on the markers face when she gets that!
"According to the Jedi Bible, Obi -Wan Kenobi f****d your mother with a light sabre."
I'd do it. Not the whole Obi-Wan thing... the exam...
...just to get that straight...
I wonder how Darth Vader peed to be honest. Poor guy. I wonder if he had a remote for his penis, that'd be amazing. And I think all the Jedi were idiots, they didn't need all this fighting crap, just press the button on his chest, sit back and LOL at him.
On a further note, if this note thing that I wrote to my Geography teacher gets back to my home. Don't expect me to be writing anymore of these, 'cos I'll be dead. Very, very dead.
If any one's wondering what I'm on about, basically I wrote about how she was off school because she shagged a monkey and got AIDS off of it, oh and said that as a Geography teacher you'd expect her to be able to find her own way to the class without getting lost and ending up in a meeting.
When she found it... she didn't take it very lightly. Hell no.
Anyway, I'll be going and stealing the school blueprints so I can work out which was is the safest direction to zip wire out of a window.
Goodbye.

Eh.

I'm in a pissed off mood at the moment, so sorry if I come over as offensive, I don't mean it. Well, of course I do, but pretend I don't ... or I'm in even deeper shit than I already am...
I would like to start with a mere fact.
Well, this is when I've found one, I don't exactly plan these...
Oh f*** it, I'll just look at the news again.
Looking at the main news of The Times, it says;
Bush tells the world: 'We got a big problem'
Nahhhhh... really? You could have fooled me!
I didn't notice that every single f****** bank in the world is suddenly going bankrupt at the same time! It's not like ... the only thing on the news at the moment! Wow George, you surprised me there.
What's your next declaration going to be, eh? "We've invaded Somethingistan, because they cussed my mum..." It wouldn't surprise me.
What's even more annoying is the fact is that he's been at war against the same bloody country for about seven years now, and he still cannot pronounce it.
"Our troops are doing fine in ... Eye-raq"
Anyway, while he's busy nicking every ones oil and slowly ruining the U.S.A., The Sun came up with this;
"JET MAN BLASTS INTO RECORD BOOKS"
Right, the kind of women that would read The Sun would probably be called Chebaz.
Chebaz doesn't care about attention seekers jumping off high things and flying over the channel, Chebaz wants to see what kind of liquidised cabbage Jordan drank today as a pose to something that we call food, so she flips to page 40 something and sits there comfort eating for the rest of the day because she is so fat and Jordan isn't. "Obesity is an illness." - Yeah, I was so f****** ill that I had nine Yorkies in a row. Oh the pain. The excruciating pain.
As a pose to this, the kind of man that would read this would probably be called Bo.
Yes, it's a name ... apparently.
Bo has been working at McDonald's all day, surrounded by greasy haired people, and hoicking burgers at the fat people so they don't die of hunger pangs (I swear, if you didn't feed them quickly enough at McDonald's, they'd grow around the counter like amoebas)
Anyway, Bo has been working all day, and when he finishes he decides he wants to pick up (steal)the paper from the corner shop on the way to get his Cannabis.
He gets home and puts on a convincing act to his wife that he is actually reading the paper, more to the fact that he CAN read the paper.
Bo then wants to go to the toilet for no apparent reason, and comes out 15 minutes later looking remarkably relived, he also seems to have "tippexed" page three...
Oh my good god...
On this page where I got this story there is a comment for people to express their opinions on this "amazing" feat.
I didn't expect;
Tarquin McPoshposh :"What a glorious feat of modern engineering, I was completely baffled!"
Because this is the Sun ... the readers don't have the mental capacity to be baffled.
But this just takes the biscuit;
"what if he needed toilet"
Well, Dumb McFlemnoob, he'd probably have to hold it for the whole 25 minutes that he was in the air. And I think the guy who invented this would have enough brainpower to go for a wee before he went.
F***tard.
Anyway, I conclude that The Sun is bought for boobs and George Bush is a terd.
That is all.

Cock.

I forgot the password to my Adsense account which sucks balls. I'm not going to be rich now. Anyway, I give up on that s***, I'll just watch Arien never get his money.
Ah, I'm listening to Andrews podcast, it's good and all but it's making doing this is really hard to do, I keep on getting the Premiership stuck in my head so I'll listen to it after. Sorry Andrew, goodbye.
Well, I went to a party yesterday, made a fool out of myself more than anyone else and came home half naked ... as you do.
I was told I have to write a blog on this party, but now it comes to it, it's actually quite hard. Firstly, I don't remember any of it. And secondly, we didn't actually do all that much apart from stand there and talk alot.
Well, that is considering you wern't kicking me in some way.
I've decided that being drunk doesn't suit me, I think I spent most of the evening saying that Jack Fitzpatrick was in the IRA, and that's not good. And I came home with ruined loins aswell, and too many cuts to make living worthwile.
I didn't get a hangover though, and considering that I was the most drunken there I have a certain smugness about me from that, and would like to laugh at you if you've got one. I actually woke up and thought; "Why is my hangover in my testicles...? That's not meant to happen is it...?"
I then recieved a lecture on how I've got to buy a new shirt and how alcohol is bad for my liver or something.
Oh well, this is too short, but I can't be bothered to add to it.

More "worldly events"...

Ugh feck. I should be doing my coursework, but at the same time I think the concentration involved would genuinely kill me. Well, I've started doing this so I might as well finish.
I find I can actually do this if I talk about the news, or worldly events ... but looking at The Times online, the main global story is something about an insurance company losing money and to be bluntly honest I'm tired of b******t about stocks and what have you. So I'm still a bit stuck when it comes to writing about what's happening if that's the most interesting thing going on.
Well, looking at the next story the headline is; "Routine check 'could have averted' plane crash.
Really...?
No s*** Sherlock.
And the fact is that they've already crashed so it doesn't matter that much anyway. They're on about that Spanair thing if you're wondering.
Ooh, here's a good one;
"UK unemployment rises to nine-year high"
I like it when you get these statistics because;
A. It doesn't affect me in anyway.
B. I technically count in those figures.
C. Everyone moves away from blaming AIDS for all the world problems for a change and instead moves onto Polish people.
The Polish people are always blamed for stealing our jobs and it's quite funny. It's funny because it's only the people that can't actually spell "Polish" that complain when they can only become toilet cleaners, as if somehow they were aspiring to be a Brain Surgeon.
"Devv nickkd aaa jobbbz initt" - I scoff at these people. No, they have not taken your jobs, there are millions of them, just because you've spent your life smoking your homework rather than doing it doesn't entitle you to go on about the Poles all of a sudden. Though it is actually quite funny.
I reckon if I wanted to, I could go out and get me a job in less than an hour, and it wouldn't be a man whore and I wouldn't be in a Tescos car park asking if you wanted your car washing. To be honest I'd probably just go gypsie on you and do it anyway and then pave your car to the space if you didn't pay me...
Oh for crying out loud;
"Dale Winton: No one ever asked if I was gay."
That's like asking if the sun's hot or not.
Anyway, I shall leave you with a completly irrelevant picture because it makes me look like I've put more effort into this;

This is actually a genuine mistake.
I haven't laughed this much in ages.

Worldly Events. (If worldly is a word)

There isn't really a topic to go on about at the moment if I'm honest.
Okay, so the American government still can't find a man in a cave after just over eight years, but that's okay because they just randomly invaded the country next to it and they're busy with stealing all their oil. It's a shame Bin Laden didn't come and hide here to be honest, the U.S. could have came over and bunked off Wales ... and I don't think you can argue with that.
So yeah, what else is happening in the world right now...
As it happens something rather interesting happened earlier today. You know the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) that should have killed us all on Wednesday? No, it hasn't created a massive hole where Switzerland used to be. It's even better.
Right, so to set the scene...
This is probably the greatest scientific experiment in the history of mankind ever ever ever, it cost about 4.4 billion pounds (yes pounds, the more worthful one) just to do it and if they can't find this particle thing that they're looking for ... someone, somewhere really f****d up science. And that's quite funny.
So, at the moment this is being treated as the biggest thing ever in the history of the world...
And some Greek students that called themselves the Greek Security Team (GST) hacked their computers that control it all, and almost buggered the whole thing up. Oh yes they did.
I would like to take this opportunity to completely LOL at the people who made all of this happen (including the likes of Stephen Hawkins). I will also then laugh some more because it was done so easily, and if this had got further 4.4 billion pounds would have been just thrown down the drain.
This Greek Security Team even made everything look cool;




















What these people did is a better achievement than the actual experiment if you ask me.
But enough of that...
I shall end with talking about my day.
Well, I am home alone for one. It's great peeing with the door open for a change, well it is until the point where you hear something creak and suddenly become very paranoid over someone else being there in the house with you. I also have the same ability in cooking as I do in ovulating which is nil, so I'm stuck on Weetabix for the time being. And that's about it.
I would write more, but the truth is that I really cannot be bothered to type.
The idiots on this also spell checked "computer".

I have yet to realise why I did this

But what the 'eck;
Matthew got up as he did every morning and went downstairs to get his breakfast. For some reason cereals always tasted much worse in the mornings than it did in the evenings, but regardless he ate them like he hadn’t eaten food before and then went back upstairs to have a shower. He also hated showers, or at least his one, it was the sort that you could never get into without boiling or freezing, or the sort that always seemed to be concentrated on only one part of your body, and therefore didn’t get you wet until you’ve done every dance move in existence.
After his long and annoying shower he decided to get dressed into the even more annoying school uniform that couldn’t stay in a room for about 10 seconds without somehow getting a stain of some sort on it. Because Matthew was stupidly tall, his blazer was always too small on the sleeves. He tried one the fitted on the sleeves once and ended up looking rather like a fat homosexual.
So eventually, after running around the house looking for his history book (which was the ONLY book that he ever misplaced for a yet unknown reason), Matthew left for school. Well he didn’t leave, he half jogged, half walked it because he left at 8:05 because he is a stupid berk. This mean’s he had to do just less than 2 miles in 25 minutes, which was just silly. This stupid and irrelevant slow jogging was further exacerbated by the fact that he was carrying his rugby kit and the studs in his boots were magnetically attracted to his legs through his bag, so every time his arm swung, the stud would hit him and it would be rather painful.
Thankyou.

You're wasting your valuable time.

When I finally work out what to write and then post this, a frenzy of about three people will come to read this... and then go, without commenting this or clicking on the adverts. Frankly, I don't blame them. Clicking on the adverts takes a whole three seconds and thanks to super-dooper fast broadband with a rocket up its backside you could be doing alot of other things and it is now infact too long. The link to post a comment on these is also so tiny that the half a millesecond taken to put your cursor over the link and to press the button has already wasted your valuable myspacing time.
Though, to be honest... the internet probably wastes most our lifes anyway by throwing viagra adverts into our email inboxes and loading up adverts about gay dating that we can't even be bothered to look at. I mean come on... as of 4:30pm on Saturday 6th September we've all spent 20, 771, 402, 679 cumilative hours sitting on our backsides doing completly nothing exept for waiting for internet sites to load, and in the time I spent highlighting that figure and copy pasting it to here... that went up by around 20,000 or so. That's quite alot. And just for some self satisfaction you've probably added to that figure by loading up this page to read this.
And bear in mind that this is today, with most people having super-dooper fast broadband with a rocket up its backside. In the days of dial up and Windows 95 with its lovely screeching noises and constant crashing this figure would have been much, much higher. It's mind boggling how much time we spend just sitting on our spinny chairs doing nothing.
And remember, this figure will increase with the 195.6 million computers that were sold this year and the 146, 654 babies squeezed out as of 4:50pm today.
Before you ask, I am not going to tell you what website I'm getting all these numbers from. Out of the three people reading this, there will probably be a female or two... and I have a certain smugness inside me knowing that I know things that about the world that they don't.
I shall finish now, but before I go I must just say that 1874, 500, 385, 938 solar energy things have hit the Earth, luckily for us... nothing happens, and in the time taken to end this sentence that number has gone up by around 2 million. Shame really, if it did do anything it could have knocked the sense into those complete f*****s who are running around screaming about the end of the world... because some wierd scientist is going to throw an atom down a glorified smarties tube. Send me your all iPods and Television sets then...you won't need them for much longer.

Females

The last time I was this tired was about 4 hours ago, this was because I was asleep and probably dreaming about not waking up... this was until my dreams were shattered by the ringing of my alarm clock that I keep forgetting to turn off.
Naturally, my mother and my sister, as females, decided to get up before me. I hate that, if I got out of bed at three in the morning, there'd still be one of them downstairs drinking a cup of coffee just to prove that they are somehow superior to me.
As it happens, the female gender annoys me exeedingly. For some amazing reason... when they're upset they think the whole world is interested about it, and will stop at nothing to let everyone within a 50 mile radius know their feelings. Okay, everyone gets upset, even I do when the milk runs out. But really? Is it necessary to post about 20,000 myspace bulletins saying how you hate someone, and then for good measure putting it in your personal message... just incase you missed that? Oh, and just for good measure, lets write loads of faces using colons and hashes, so we can all do a face that looks like the mouth has been screwed on wrong!
Oh, and another thing. Apparently it's considered amazingly terrible rape if you make any sort of physical contact with a girl. I do not think so.
Okay, so if you put your fingers in a hole you shouldn't have because you allegedly lost a Mars Bar up there, yes you're entitled to hit them with your handbag. But come on... am I having sex with you if I'm hugging you? No. They all seem stupidly paranoid if you ask me.
And why does every girl feel the instinctive urge to write x's all the time on the internet, or write the even more annoying "I love my girls" everywhere? Personally, I reckon if you add it all up...the time writing x's and other shit, the electricity used could probably power New York for the rest of time.
I'm going to end now, this actually took me 3 hours, I suppose it goes to show what talking to females on the internet does to you.